Tag: Quarter-life crisis

Three Months Later: An Update

A little over three months ago, my mother was tragically taken from my family by a fatigued driver. The three words that could describe the grieving process:

  1. Horrendous
  2. Unfathomable
  3. Gut-wrenching

There are literally no words to describe the loss of a parent, let alone a sudden loss. I have been dealing with so many things, trying to be an adult, and keep my head above the water. Sometimes it seems to be too much.

Not only did this happen, but I also wrecked a new car (I’ll admit: it was due to MY error). Due to this, though, my hood hit my windshield as I was driving to a job interview. Luckily, I hadn’t made it out of town and my neighbor, who also happens to be a police officer, was able to get me some help.

I’ve rented my first car (and had my first budget due to spending so much on my rent-a-car), I’ve been able to start moving stuff over to my new apartment, I’m starting to realize life is hard anyway (no matter the struggle) and I’m learning to be more honest about my mental health, my life, and my future.

One thing I’ve realized: I’M DONE WITH SCHOOL FOR A WHILE AFTER COMMUNITY COLLEGE!

That’s right: JUST DONE (especially if this new job at Dillard’s works out).

There’s also nothing wrong with that.

My mother didn’t even get her associate’s degree. I will get mine.

I have no other option.

So, what have I learned in the past three months? It’s okay not to have everything figured out.

Sometimes, you just have to go with flow. Sometimes, you have to learn to surrender. Sometimes, you have to learn to LET GO and LET GOD!

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When I Almost Did The Deed: An (Almost) Hook-Up Story

Soooo…this is probably the craziest thing I will post on here, I believe.

If I’m being honest, I cannot believe that I am actually posting this, especially after 24 hours that this has happened. If I’m being honest, I’m not sure how I feel about it.

So here it is:

I live in a small town in Texas that has a conservative standpoint. I was on an app (that I had no business being on) that changed my complete view of sex, what it really means to save yourself until marriage, and what it really means to be “apart from the world”.

I met a guy named Jan. He was attractive…and I mean ATTRACTIVE! Blonde hair, blue eyes, abs…good looking! He’s also a Russian model based out of Los Angeles.

Not going to lie, I didn’t think I was the type to attract a model, because I’m kind of overweight…but I did! 😉

We started talking and he asked me if I wanted to “have some fun”. At that point I was like, “Sure!”

So he sent me his number, I texted him, and we started arranging stuff. He seemed pretty eager for us to get together. In fact, he sent me a couple pictures of his genitalia. He also got pretty pushy and even confrontational.

Now I’ll admit:

  1. This was something I’d never done before.
  2. I was really creeped out that he started to push.
  3. I started to get scared and even felt uncomfortable.
  4. I realized this was NOT the outlet for me.

With this being said, I realized that this was not something I wanted to do. In fact, a switch went off in my head, sending red alerts and flags everywhere I pictured.

I didn’t go through with this, because something told me not to…and that I believe was the Holy Spirit. 

Even as Christians, we are still tempted by things that keep us from our blessings. I believe that me wanting to go out and just “lose myself” was not what God wanted. Even right now, I feel extreme guilt and sickness because of almost making that almost permanent decision.

My lesson learned: loving yourself is the best thing to do while waiting on the blessings God has for you!

My friends, DO NOT sell yourselves short of what you deserve…AT ALL!!! It’s not worth it. Sometimes, there’s a reason for all of this crap that we go through as humans. There’s no need to sell yourself short to fulfill someone’s sick desires.

 

What God Does: A Self-Reflection

The past couple months have been a whirlwind for me, my family, and others around me. With this being said, God has really done some amazing things. It has been trying times: from the death of a parent to the loss of a relationship, from preparing for school to learning about a job opportunity, from going back to work to working through emotional trauma.

This has begun a new season of my life.

Through all of this pain and beauty, sorrow and triumph: God has been constant through it all.

Yes, I have wanted to break down and stop living.

Yes, I have wanted to stop all things and become a hermit.

Yes, I have wanted to lose my shit and just say, “Fuck it,” and this last one I have done on occasion.

Along with these thoughts and feelings, I have also relearned that beauty comes from the ashes, things are not always as bad as they seem, and there is always a place where things can become worse.

I know, I know…my mother died…

But I’ve also had:

  • People to support me
  • Opportunities to pull myself out of the water
  • Time to heal
  • Time to reflect

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO DO NOT GET THESE OPPORTUNITIES!!!!

Some people become stuck, whether because of themselves or because of others.

Some people don’t have the grace to be as self-sufficient or learn to do things for themselves.

There’s nothing wrong with this…sometimes, people just need a little extra help.

My situation sucks, but I still have it pretty good.

To Have Faith: Where I Stand

I know this is my second post within a day, but I also didn’t post for two weeks. I’m posting this, because it has a purpose. I don’t know what that is, but I do know that someone will read this and understand what this means.

I started this blog a little over a month ago as The Aimless Wanderer, because that’s exactly where I was at life: aimlessly wandering.

What I didn’t realize was that this blog would become a place, not only where I could vent, but where I could also learn from my past mistakes, events, trauma and life.

For starters? I am almost 22, my compass is disoriented, and I have literally nothing. Especially after my mother’s tragic death, I cannot begin to tell you how much I feel lost, conflicted, and, worst of all, bitter.

Yes, I said bitter, because that’s exactly where I stand with life right now…even a little with God and even my own mother.

Now, this will pass, but I am tuning into these negative feelings that I have to motivate me as well. In my prayer life, my conscious awareness, and even in my strained relationships.

When you cannot trust the people you love, you learn to purge yourself of the idea of needing these people. You reroute where you go in life, you reroute your feelings (easier said than done), and you learn to rely on other people than those who hurt you.

In this walk, I have learned where I stand, where my solid ground in found, and where I have time to grow and reflect.

I have realized in this moment that I have more faith than I originally thought, while also knowing that I still need Jesus.

I’m a sinner, through and through. I will not pretend to say I am some perfect being who has it all together, because I CERTAINLY DO NOT!

I am VERY human.

I am broken, but not destroyed.

I am hurt, but not dead.

I am disoriented, but I will rise again.

Yes, that rhymed a bit…just go with it.

I am a recovering addict to pornography that continues to struggle at times, especially in times as this.

I am someone who struggles to hold their tongue when wanting to lash out.

I am a person who pays attention to the things I want rather than the things I need.

I am perfectly imperfect.

“To have faith is to have wings”. –Peter Pan, Peter and the Starcatcher

So…where do you stand?

Bird Set Free: One Month Later

“I don’t care if I sing off key, I find myself in my melodies, I sing for love, I sing for me, I’ll shout it out like a bird set free.” -Sia

It’s been a month since my mother passed away, since this 21 (almost 22) year old had to grow up quite a bit. Although it’s been in little ways, it’s still been a process.

In this process, I’ve realized that my own family do not have my best interest in mind, after all.

Why do I say that? They wanted me to plead that I am incompetent.

Yes, you read that right. INCOMPETENT!!!

My family is convinced that because I have high-functioning Asperger’s and because I have Bipolar II disorder, I am incompetent.

How does this make me feel…?

This is the main question that I’ve gotten.

Plain and simple: I’m…fucking…pissed.

My mother happened to do a lot to shelter me as much as she could be I was her “special” child. My mother wanted me to have a safe place so to speak, someone to help provide for me, and someone to be there to support me.

My mother did me a disservice.

My mother should not have done this for me.

My mother should have let me grow up.

I love my mother with every fiber of my being, but I’ve learned to do SO MANY THINGS since her passing.

For example, I drove through downtown Houston to meet with a lawyer. Most 21-year-olds don’t have a reason to drive that far. Do they? Sure! That doesn’t mean they have a reason.

I’m learning to take care of myself.

Just because I need a place to stay, doesn’t mean I can’t drive, cook, clean up after myself, go to school, get a job, and LEARN!

That’s what life is! A LEARNING PROCESS!!

I can do this, I will do this, and I will show every person who thinks I cannot.

I AM A BIRD SET FREE.

When Somebody Loved Me…It Was Complicated

When Somebody Loved Me…It Was Complicated

“When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful, every hour spent together, lives within my heart.”

If anyone remembers these song lyrics from Toy Story 2 pertaining to Jessie’s past, then good on you! These lyrics started running through my head after I found out a best friend of mine, who is no longer so due to some poor decisions he made, had feelings for me that were apparently mutual.

*Wait…did HE say HE?!*

Yes…yes, I did.

One reason I’m posting this is because I DO NOT want anyone to be led astray and not have an idea about certain parts of my life. This one included.

Now, this will probably be the one AND ONLY post I put about my sexuality, because frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. I’m a conservative Christian who happens to like guys living in the state of Texas…in other words: I’m an enigma that doesn’t care about others lives. “You do you” is my life philosophy. This is not up for discussion, because I don’t care to argue about it.

For me, my sexuality is a part of me that I have STRUGGLED with my whole life. At one point, I considered celibacy, realized I wasn’t there with a full-intent heart; therefore, I’m not going to steer someone the wrong way.

NOW…BACK ON TOPIC!

The guy I’m speaking about was someone I trusted, someone I loved, and someone I found that feels the same way I do…or did…it’s complicated.

Long story short: he got super drunk this past week (July 4th to be exact). He was mean, especially to me and his own sister, and super rude. I was scared to death, because I had never seen a beautiful person turn into such an ugly, dark soul. I was embarrassed for both us, because he was a moron. I was disappointed, because I saw myself possibly keeping a friend the rest of my life (he never gave me a clear indication of the fact that he felt the same way, so we were just friends).

*So, what did you do?*

I GOT UP AND LEFT!

I have too much respect and love for myself to let someone put me in a situation that could harm me. I may love him (so much more than I can describe), but LOVE DOES NOT EQUATE LETTING SOMEONE WALK ALL OVER YOU!

He, unfortunately, was too immature and selfish to see that he had a good thing.

I called him out and he didn’t like it.

Then, I confronted him.

After, he acted as if nothing was a big deal. He didn’t care. So I hung up the phone and stopped talking to him.

BUT WAIT…he left a voice message, saying (in summary), “I’m done playing the “nice guy”. I’m an asshole, I’ve always been one and that’s what I’m going to be. You don’t have to deal with ever again. Our friendship is over…I will never forget you…”

I will never forget you…

To be honest? “I will never forget you” about wrecked me completely.

He let me know I was different.

He let me know I let a different side of him show.

He let me know he felt the same way…and I was left dazed and confused.

Up to this point, he had told me I never had a chance and that he liked girls.

Now of course, I didn’t believe him, but that doesn’t change what he had said, either.

But isn’t that interesting? How love is so complicated? How someone can say one thing and mean another? How someone can be so immature and blind to understand their own feelings?

Also, those questions right above are not towards him…they’re for me.

Not to say they’re not applicable for him either, but I wasn’t able to understand my conflicting feelings and thoughts, understand why he said the things he did, and I most certainly did not understand how we weren’t on the same page.

But that’s just it: when somebody loved me, it was complicated.

Drama: How To Not Give In

I have found myself very angered and disappointed these past few days. Whether because of two-faced people or because of high emotions, it’s been a little too real. For me the biggest thing is making sure that I am true to myself and able to control myself.

Sometimes, that’s not an easy task. 

Also, people can cause it to not be an easy task. 

This is called DRAMA! Everyone is aware of drama in some form.

Here’s some tips to help you stay away from it:

  • Learn to limit contact: sometimes you get around people and personalities can conflict. This includes with friends and/or family. I usually have to limit the amount of time that I have with a certain person in a specific place at a specific moment for a specific reason. 
  • Do NOT hang around someone that makes you emotional: THE ONE THING I had to learn growing up, especially with a narcissistic father, was that you can’t be emotional in some people’s presence. Why? Because they’ll take advantage of that. This also happened with a close friend recently that is no longer a close friend. Sometimes, being emotionally vulnerable gives them a chance to strike. 
  • Be the bigger person: I hated hearing this growing up and I STILL HATE IT! However, it’s golden advice and true. Stooping to someone’s level, especially if it’s the lowest of lows, doesn’t solve a damn thing. God doesn’t care about us liking the person, but loving the person (even from a distance).

So I hope this helps to ease some dramatic moments you might be having with your family, friends or whoever. It’s difficult, but it’s also necessary to own up and be tough(ish).