Tag: Love

Love: Not Just a Feeling

Love: Not Just a Feeling

First off: I want to apologize for not posting consistently. Jobs, money, and school are three big factors that redefine my life as of late. I literally have no time for anything else. To give you an idea: I went out with my friends last weekend…FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 3 MONTHS! I’m actually not feeling well today, so I don’t have work (and I don’t have it tomorrow, because I still have a fever.) 😛

So I cannot promise my posts will be consistent, BUT if you’ve been around since this blog site started: CONGRATULATIONS AND THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT!

Now, students (I’ve always wanted to say that), I want to discuss a topic that is SO controversial these days that others literally avoid it by clamming up, walking away, or crying until their hearts just can’t take it anymore.

LOVE

I know, I know: love is an abstract form, love isn’t really a real thing, love is just a social construct…blah blah blah!

If you’re THAT guy, I have two words: FUCK YOU!

Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection or a person or thing that one loves (Merriam-Webster Dictionary).

However, what a lot of others don’t realize is that love is not as emotional as we make it. In fact, love is probably far from an emotion as we can get. Why do I say this? Because it love is an emotion, then love is one of the most wavering emotions, more so than happiness, sadness and anger.

Think about it: we say we love pizza, we say we love our parents, we say we love our boyfriend/girlfriend…is all this love the same kind of love?

NO! BECAUSE LOVE CAN HAVE SO MANY DEFINITIONS!

Love is sometimes from an emotional standpoint and can leave you with a broken heart. Love can be one of the most emotional thing for a person.

Love can leave one asking questions, frustrated, and pulling their hair out.

One thing I have learned as well: Love can leave someone conflicted for a moment.

Love is one of the most complicated human attachments ever. And yes, I said attachment, because that’s what loving someone is like.

Whether it’s a parent, friend, significant other, or whatever: LOVE IS COMPLICATED! Not because of the emotional aspect, but because your emotions and your love for someone are not intertwined. If they are, then that’s not true love; that’s just infatuation.

Now, again, this doesn’t mean that emotions cannot be manipulated with love; but usually when they are, time after time, people can pick themselves back up and say, “ENOUGH!”

One reason I made this post is due to a friend of mine. He is one of my best friends, after getting close to him very recently, and we are both for each other; no strings attached, no complicated shit, and no secrets or confusion. However, I have romantic feelings/attachment to him, and it was starting to make me wonder some different things, even after he said he didn’t feel the same way.

I have realized that one can feel the same way you do about them (in other words, loving you the same way you love them) WITHOUT the romantic attachment.

When I came to this realization, you can bet that I said, “Holy shit!” And I did.

Something clicked and life made a little bit more sense than it had before.

Love is something so intricate and complicated that one cannot in ANY way, shape or form crack the code. As much as I would love to say it’s possible, it’s not. It has so many layers and definitions.

No matter that layer, definition, or complication, the question is: Are you willing to put your heart on the line TO love someone?

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When I Almost Did The Deed: An (Almost) Hook-Up Story

Soooo…this is probably the craziest thing I will post on here, I believe.

If I’m being honest, I cannot believe that I am actually posting this, especially after 24 hours that this has happened. If I’m being honest, I’m not sure how I feel about it.

So here it is:

I live in a small town in Texas that has a conservative standpoint. I was on an app (that I had no business being on) that changed my complete view of sex, what it really means to save yourself until marriage, and what it really means to be “apart from the world”.

I met a guy named Jan. He was attractive…and I mean ATTRACTIVE! Blonde hair, blue eyes, abs…good looking! He’s also a Russian model based out of Los Angeles.

Not going to lie, I didn’t think I was the type to attract a model, because I’m kind of overweight…but I did! 😉

We started talking and he asked me if I wanted to “have some fun”. At that point I was like, “Sure!”

So he sent me his number, I texted him, and we started arranging stuff. He seemed pretty eager for us to get together. In fact, he sent me a couple pictures of his genitalia. He also got pretty pushy and even confrontational.

Now I’ll admit:

  1. This was something I’d never done before.
  2. I was really creeped out that he started to push.
  3. I started to get scared and even felt uncomfortable.
  4. I realized this was NOT the outlet for me.

With this being said, I realized that this was not something I wanted to do. In fact, a switch went off in my head, sending red alerts and flags everywhere I pictured.

I didn’t go through with this, because something told me not to…and that I believe was the Holy Spirit. 

Even as Christians, we are still tempted by things that keep us from our blessings. I believe that me wanting to go out and just “lose myself” was not what God wanted. Even right now, I feel extreme guilt and sickness because of almost making that almost permanent decision.

My lesson learned: loving yourself is the best thing to do while waiting on the blessings God has for you!

My friends, DO NOT sell yourselves short of what you deserve…AT ALL!!! It’s not worth it. Sometimes, there’s a reason for all of this crap that we go through as humans. There’s no need to sell yourself short to fulfill someone’s sick desires.

 

I Forgive You, I Love You: A Poem To Those Who Hurt Me

I forgive you, I love you for there’s nothing left to do,

I forgive you, I love you, because it’s not right hating you,

I look back and still remember the pain,

But now it’s okay to not let my soul stain,

Because I know I survived whether you like it or not,

I know that I forgive, but I have not forgot.

 

I forgive you, I love you for there’s nothing left to do,

I forgive you, I love you, because it’s not right hating you,

For something you couldn’t control on your own,

Due to your past and the things you didn’t own,

You couldn’t see past your past pain,

So how could I hold it against you anyway?

 

I forgive you, I love you for there’s nothing left to do,

I forgive you, I love you, because it’s not right hating you,

You never meant the apologies you say,

But to me, it doesn’t matter any which way,

Because I know where I stand and what I believe,

And I know I have peace the minute you leave.

 

I forgive you, I love you for there’s nothing left to do,

I forgive you, I love you, because it’s not right hating you.

What God Does: A Self-Reflection

The past couple months have been a whirlwind for me, my family, and others around me. With this being said, God has really done some amazing things. It has been trying times: from the death of a parent to the loss of a relationship, from preparing for school to learning about a job opportunity, from going back to work to working through emotional trauma.

This has begun a new season of my life.

Through all of this pain and beauty, sorrow and triumph: God has been constant through it all.

Yes, I have wanted to break down and stop living.

Yes, I have wanted to stop all things and become a hermit.

Yes, I have wanted to lose my shit and just say, “Fuck it,” and this last one I have done on occasion.

Along with these thoughts and feelings, I have also relearned that beauty comes from the ashes, things are not always as bad as they seem, and there is always a place where things can become worse.

I know, I know…my mother died…

But I’ve also had:

  • People to support me
  • Opportunities to pull myself out of the water
  • Time to heal
  • Time to reflect

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO DO NOT GET THESE OPPORTUNITIES!!!!

Some people become stuck, whether because of themselves or because of others.

Some people don’t have the grace to be as self-sufficient or learn to do things for themselves.

There’s nothing wrong with this…sometimes, people just need a little extra help.

My situation sucks, but I still have it pretty good.

To Have Faith: Where I Stand

I know this is my second post within a day, but I also didn’t post for two weeks. I’m posting this, because it has a purpose. I don’t know what that is, but I do know that someone will read this and understand what this means.

I started this blog a little over a month ago as The Aimless Wanderer, because that’s exactly where I was at life: aimlessly wandering.

What I didn’t realize was that this blog would become a place, not only where I could vent, but where I could also learn from my past mistakes, events, trauma and life.

For starters? I am almost 22, my compass is disoriented, and I have literally nothing. Especially after my mother’s tragic death, I cannot begin to tell you how much I feel lost, conflicted, and, worst of all, bitter.

Yes, I said bitter, because that’s exactly where I stand with life right now…even a little with God and even my own mother.

Now, this will pass, but I am tuning into these negative feelings that I have to motivate me as well. In my prayer life, my conscious awareness, and even in my strained relationships.

When you cannot trust the people you love, you learn to purge yourself of the idea of needing these people. You reroute where you go in life, you reroute your feelings (easier said than done), and you learn to rely on other people than those who hurt you.

In this walk, I have learned where I stand, where my solid ground in found, and where I have time to grow and reflect.

I have realized in this moment that I have more faith than I originally thought, while also knowing that I still need Jesus.

I’m a sinner, through and through. I will not pretend to say I am some perfect being who has it all together, because I CERTAINLY DO NOT!

I am VERY human.

I am broken, but not destroyed.

I am hurt, but not dead.

I am disoriented, but I will rise again.

Yes, that rhymed a bit…just go with it.

I am a recovering addict to pornography that continues to struggle at times, especially in times as this.

I am someone who struggles to hold their tongue when wanting to lash out.

I am a person who pays attention to the things I want rather than the things I need.

I am perfectly imperfect.

“To have faith is to have wings”. –Peter Pan, Peter and the Starcatcher

So…where do you stand?

When Somebody Loved Me…It Was Complicated

When Somebody Loved Me…It Was Complicated

“When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful, every hour spent together, lives within my heart.”

If anyone remembers these song lyrics from Toy Story 2 pertaining to Jessie’s past, then good on you! These lyrics started running through my head after I found out a best friend of mine, who is no longer so due to some poor decisions he made, had feelings for me that were apparently mutual.

*Wait…did HE say HE?!*

Yes…yes, I did.

One reason I’m posting this is because I DO NOT want anyone to be led astray and not have an idea about certain parts of my life. This one included.

Now, this will probably be the one AND ONLY post I put about my sexuality, because frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. I’m a conservative Christian who happens to like guys living in the state of Texas…in other words: I’m an enigma that doesn’t care about others lives. “You do you” is my life philosophy. This is not up for discussion, because I don’t care to argue about it.

For me, my sexuality is a part of me that I have STRUGGLED with my whole life. At one point, I considered celibacy, realized I wasn’t there with a full-intent heart; therefore, I’m not going to steer someone the wrong way.

NOW…BACK ON TOPIC!

The guy I’m speaking about was someone I trusted, someone I loved, and someone I found that feels the same way I do…or did…it’s complicated.

Long story short: he got super drunk this past week (July 4th to be exact). He was mean, especially to me and his own sister, and super rude. I was scared to death, because I had never seen a beautiful person turn into such an ugly, dark soul. I was embarrassed for both us, because he was a moron. I was disappointed, because I saw myself possibly keeping a friend the rest of my life (he never gave me a clear indication of the fact that he felt the same way, so we were just friends).

*So, what did you do?*

I GOT UP AND LEFT!

I have too much respect and love for myself to let someone put me in a situation that could harm me. I may love him (so much more than I can describe), but LOVE DOES NOT EQUATE LETTING SOMEONE WALK ALL OVER YOU!

He, unfortunately, was too immature and selfish to see that he had a good thing.

I called him out and he didn’t like it.

Then, I confronted him.

After, he acted as if nothing was a big deal. He didn’t care. So I hung up the phone and stopped talking to him.

BUT WAIT…he left a voice message, saying (in summary), “I’m done playing the “nice guy”. I’m an asshole, I’ve always been one and that’s what I’m going to be. You don’t have to deal with ever again. Our friendship is over…I will never forget you…”

I will never forget you…

To be honest? “I will never forget you” about wrecked me completely.

He let me know I was different.

He let me know I let a different side of him show.

He let me know he felt the same way…and I was left dazed and confused.

Up to this point, he had told me I never had a chance and that he liked girls.

Now of course, I didn’t believe him, but that doesn’t change what he had said, either.

But isn’t that interesting? How love is so complicated? How someone can say one thing and mean another? How someone can be so immature and blind to understand their own feelings?

Also, those questions right above are not towards him…they’re for me.

Not to say they’re not applicable for him either, but I wasn’t able to understand my conflicting feelings and thoughts, understand why he said the things he did, and I most certainly did not understand how we weren’t on the same page.

But that’s just it: when somebody loved me, it was complicated.