Tag: Life

I Forgive You, I Love You: A Poem To Those Who Hurt Me

I forgive you, I love you for there’s nothing left to do,

I forgive you, I love you, because it’s not right hating you,

I look back and still remember the pain,

But now it’s okay to not let my soul stain,

Because I know I survived whether you like it or not,

I know that I forgive, but I have not forgot.

 

I forgive you, I love you for there’s nothing left to do,

I forgive you, I love you, because it’s not right hating you,

For something you couldn’t control on your own,

Due to your past and the things you didn’t own,

You couldn’t see past your past pain,

So how could I hold it against you anyway?

 

I forgive you, I love you for there’s nothing left to do,

I forgive you, I love you, because it’s not right hating you,

You never meant the apologies you say,

But to me, it doesn’t matter any which way,

Because I know where I stand and what I believe,

And I know I have peace the minute you leave.

 

I forgive you, I love you for there’s nothing left to do,

I forgive you, I love you, because it’s not right hating you.

What God Does: A Self-Reflection

The past couple months have been a whirlwind for me, my family, and others around me. With this being said, God has really done some amazing things. It has been trying times: from the death of a parent to the loss of a relationship, from preparing for school to learning about a job opportunity, from going back to work to working through emotional trauma.

This has begun a new season of my life.

Through all of this pain and beauty, sorrow and triumph: God has been constant through it all.

Yes, I have wanted to break down and stop living.

Yes, I have wanted to stop all things and become a hermit.

Yes, I have wanted to lose my shit and just say, “Fuck it,” and this last one I have done on occasion.

Along with these thoughts and feelings, I have also relearned that beauty comes from the ashes, things are not always as bad as they seem, and there is always a place where things can become worse.

I know, I know…my mother died…

But I’ve also had:

  • People to support me
  • Opportunities to pull myself out of the water
  • Time to heal
  • Time to reflect

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO DO NOT GET THESE OPPORTUNITIES!!!!

Some people become stuck, whether because of themselves or because of others.

Some people don’t have the grace to be as self-sufficient or learn to do things for themselves.

There’s nothing wrong with this…sometimes, people just need a little extra help.

My situation sucks, but I still have it pretty good.

To Have Faith: Where I Stand

I know this is my second post within a day, but I also didn’t post for two weeks. I’m posting this, because it has a purpose. I don’t know what that is, but I do know that someone will read this and understand what this means.

I started this blog a little over a month ago as The Aimless Wanderer, because that’s exactly where I was at life: aimlessly wandering.

What I didn’t realize was that this blog would become a place, not only where I could vent, but where I could also learn from my past mistakes, events, trauma and life.

For starters? I am almost 22, my compass is disoriented, and I have literally nothing. Especially after my mother’s tragic death, I cannot begin to tell you how much I feel lost, conflicted, and, worst of all, bitter.

Yes, I said bitter, because that’s exactly where I stand with life right now…even a little with God and even my own mother.

Now, this will pass, but I am tuning into these negative feelings that I have to motivate me as well. In my prayer life, my conscious awareness, and even in my strained relationships.

When you cannot trust the people you love, you learn to purge yourself of the idea of needing these people. You reroute where you go in life, you reroute your feelings (easier said than done), and you learn to rely on other people than those who hurt you.

In this walk, I have learned where I stand, where my solid ground in found, and where I have time to grow and reflect.

I have realized in this moment that I have more faith than I originally thought, while also knowing that I still need Jesus.

I’m a sinner, through and through. I will not pretend to say I am some perfect being who has it all together, becauseĀ I CERTAINLY DO NOT!

I am VERY human.

I am broken, but not destroyed.

I am hurt, but not dead.

I am disoriented, but I will rise again.

Yes, that rhymed a bit…just go with it.

I am a recovering addict to pornography that continues to struggle at times, especially in times as this.

I am someone who struggles to hold their tongue when wanting to lash out.

I am a person who pays attention to the things I want rather than the things I need.

I am perfectly imperfect.

“To have faith is to have wings”. –Peter Pan, Peter and the Starcatcher

So…where do you stand?

Bird Set Free: One Month Later

“I don’t care if I sing off key, I find myself in my melodies, I sing for love, I sing for me, I’ll shout it out like a bird set free.” -Sia

It’s been a month since my mother passed away, since this 21 (almost 22) year old had to grow up quite a bit. Although it’s been in little ways, it’s still been a process.

In this process, I’ve realized that my own family do not have my best interest in mind, after all.

Why do I say that? They wanted me to plead that I am incompetent.

Yes, you read that right. INCOMPETENT!!!

My family is convinced that because I have high-functioning Asperger’s and because I have Bipolar II disorder, I am incompetent.

How does this make me feel…?

This is the main question that I’ve gotten.

Plain and simple: I’m…fucking…pissed.

My mother happened to do a lot to shelter me as much as she could be I was her “special” child. My mother wanted me to have a safe place so to speak, someone to help provide for me, and someone to be there to support me.

My mother did me a disservice.

My mother should not have done this for me.

My mother should have let me grow up.

I love my mother with every fiber of my being, but I’ve learned to do SO MANY THINGS since her passing.

For example, I drove through downtown Houston to meet with a lawyer. Most 21-year-olds don’t have a reason to drive that far. Do they? Sure! That doesn’t mean they have a reason.

I’m learning to take care of myself.

Just because I need a place to stay, doesn’t mean I can’t drive, cook, clean up after myself, go to school, get a job, and LEARN!

That’s what life is! A LEARNING PROCESS!!

I can do this, I will do this, and I will show every person who thinks I cannot.

I AM A BIRD SET FREE.

When Somebody Loved Me…It Was Complicated

When Somebody Loved Me…It Was Complicated

“When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful, every hour spent together, lives within my heart.”

If anyone remembers these song lyrics from Toy Story 2 pertaining to Jessie’s past, then good on you! These lyrics started running through my head after I found out a best friend of mine, who is no longer so due to some poor decisions he made, had feelings for me that were apparently mutual.

*Wait…did HE say HE?!*

Yes…yes, I did.

One reason I’m posting this is because I DO NOT want anyone to be led astray and not have an idea about certain parts of my life. This one included.

Now, this will probably be the one AND ONLY post I put about my sexuality, because frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. I’m a conservative Christian who happens to like guys living in the state of Texas…in other words: I’m an enigma that doesn’t care about others lives. “You do you” is my life philosophy. This is not up for discussion, because I don’t care to argue about it.

For me, my sexuality is a part of me that I have STRUGGLED with my whole life. At one point, I considered celibacy, realized I wasn’t there with a full-intent heart; therefore, I’m not going to steer someone the wrong way.

NOW…BACK ON TOPIC!

The guy I’m speaking about was someone I trusted, someone I loved, and someone I found that feels the same way I do…or did…it’s complicated.

Long story short: he got super drunk this past week (July 4th to be exact). He was mean, especially to me and his own sister, and super rude. I was scared to death, because I had never seen a beautiful person turn into such an ugly, dark soul. I was embarrassed for both us, because he was a moron. I was disappointed, because I saw myself possibly keeping a friend the rest of my life (he never gave me a clear indication of the fact that he felt the same way, so we were just friends).

*So, what did you do?*

I GOT UP AND LEFT!

I have too much respect and love for myself to let someone put me in a situation that could harm me. I may love him (so much more than I can describe), but LOVE DOES NOT EQUATE LETTING SOMEONE WALK ALL OVER YOU!

He, unfortunately, was too immature and selfish to see that he had a good thing.

I called him out and he didn’t like it.

Then, I confronted him.

After, he acted as if nothing was a big deal. He didn’t care. So I hung up the phone and stopped talking to him.

BUT WAIT…he left a voice message, saying (in summary), “I’m done playing the “nice guy”. I’m an asshole, I’ve always been one and that’s what I’m going to be. You don’t have to deal with ever again. Our friendship is over…I will never forget you…”

I will never forget you…

To be honest? “I will never forget you” about wrecked me completely.

He let me know I was different.

He let me know I let a different side of him show.

He let me know he felt the same way…and I was left dazed and confused.

Up to this point, he had told me I never had a chance and that he liked girls.

Now of course, I didn’t believe him, but that doesn’t change what he had said, either.

But isn’t that interesting? How love is so complicated? How someone can say one thing and mean another? How someone can be so immature and blind to understand their own feelings?

Also, those questions right above are not towards him…they’re for me.

Not to say they’re not applicable for him either, but I wasn’t able to understand my conflicting feelings and thoughts, understand why he said the things he did, and I most certainly did not understand how we weren’t on the same page.

But that’s just it: when somebody loved me, it was complicated.

Drama: How To Not Give In

I have found myself very angered and disappointed these past few days. Whether because of two-faced people or because of high emotions, it’s been a little too real. For me the biggest thing is making sure that I am true to myself and able to control myself.

Sometimes, that’s not an easy task. 

Also, people can cause it to not be an easy task. 

This is called DRAMA! Everyone is aware of drama in some form.

Here’s some tips to help you stay away from it:

  • Learn to limit contact: sometimes you get around people and personalities can conflict. This includes with friends and/or family. I usually have to limit the amount of time that I have with a certain person in a specific place at a specific moment for a specific reason. 
  • Do NOT hang around someone that makes you emotional: THE ONE THING I had to learn growing up, especially with a narcissistic father, was that you can’t be emotional in some people’s presence. Why? Because they’ll take advantage of that. This also happened with a close friend recently that is no longer a close friend. Sometimes, being emotionally vulnerable gives them a chance to strike. 
  • Be the bigger person: I hated hearing this growing up and I STILL HATE IT! However, it’s golden advice and true. Stooping to someone’s level, especially if it’s the lowest of lows, doesn’t solve a damn thing. God doesn’t care about us liking the person, but loving the person (even from a distance).

So I hope this helps to ease some dramatic moments you might be having with your family, friends or whoever. It’s difficult, but it’s also necessary to own up and be tough(ish).

All That Remains

I am realizing that I am very blessed with the support system that I have. So is my brother, of course, but I’m definitely taking advantage of the support system. All these people that have supported us, the family that has let me stay at their residence while all this has happened, and my family who have been nothing but supportive.

It’s been a week and a half since the death of my mother, but I’m realizing that I will survive. There is pain and suffering that is very real and that is not down-played, because it sucks!

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Somehow, someway…I am making it.

My church family has been super supportive and I am very blessed to have these individuals as a part of my support system. My church family, in particular, have been loving on me (and my brother) so much with support, prayers, and love beyond compare.

All that remains is heartache and confusion, but that doesn’t mean that’s what will be the end result. This doesn’t mean that I am doomed for eternity to feel nothing but this heartache too deep for human comprehension. I am not going to die because of this. I will survive, I will move on at some point, and I am allowed to mourn.