Tag: Faith

I Forgive You, I Love You: A Poem To Those Who Hurt Me

I forgive you, I love you for there’s nothing left to do,

I forgive you, I love you, because it’s not right hating you,

I look back and still remember the pain,

But now it’s okay to not let my soul stain,

Because I know I survived whether you like it or not,

I know that I forgive, but I have not forgot.

 

I forgive you, I love you for there’s nothing left to do,

I forgive you, I love you, because it’s not right hating you,

For something you couldn’t control on your own,

Due to your past and the things you didn’t own,

You couldn’t see past your past pain,

So how could I hold it against you anyway?

 

I forgive you, I love you for there’s nothing left to do,

I forgive you, I love you, because it’s not right hating you,

You never meant the apologies you say,

But to me, it doesn’t matter any which way,

Because I know where I stand and what I believe,

And I know I have peace the minute you leave.

 

I forgive you, I love you for there’s nothing left to do,

I forgive you, I love you, because it’s not right hating you.

What God Does: A Self-Reflection

The past couple months have been a whirlwind for me, my family, and others around me. With this being said, God has really done some amazing things. It has been trying times: from the death of a parent to the loss of a relationship, from preparing for school to learning about a job opportunity, from going back to work to working through emotional trauma.

This has begun a new season of my life.

Through all of this pain and beauty, sorrow and triumph: God has been constant through it all.

Yes, I have wanted to break down and stop living.

Yes, I have wanted to stop all things and become a hermit.

Yes, I have wanted to lose my shit and just say, “Fuck it,” and this last one I have done on occasion.

Along with these thoughts and feelings, I have also relearned that beauty comes from the ashes, things are not always as bad as they seem, and there is always a place where things can become worse.

I know, I know…my mother died…

But I’ve also had:

  • People to support me
  • Opportunities to pull myself out of the water
  • Time to heal
  • Time to reflect

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO DO NOT GET THESE OPPORTUNITIES!!!!

Some people become stuck, whether because of themselves or because of others.

Some people don’t have the grace to be as self-sufficient or learn to do things for themselves.

There’s nothing wrong with this…sometimes, people just need a little extra help.

My situation sucks, but I still have it pretty good.

To Have Faith: Where I Stand

I know this is my second post within a day, but I also didn’t post for two weeks. I’m posting this, because it has a purpose. I don’t know what that is, but I do know that someone will read this and understand what this means.

I started this blog a little over a month ago as The Aimless Wanderer, because that’s exactly where I was at life: aimlessly wandering.

What I didn’t realize was that this blog would become a place, not only where I could vent, but where I could also learn from my past mistakes, events, trauma and life.

For starters? I am almost 22, my compass is disoriented, and I have literally nothing. Especially after my mother’s tragic death, I cannot begin to tell you how much I feel lost, conflicted, and, worst of all, bitter.

Yes, I said bitter, because that’s exactly where I stand with life right now…even a little with God and even my own mother.

Now, this will pass, but I am tuning into these negative feelings that I have to motivate me as well. In my prayer life, my conscious awareness, and even in my strained relationships.

When you cannot trust the people you love, you learn to purge yourself of the idea of needing these people. You reroute where you go in life, you reroute your feelings (easier said than done), and you learn to rely on other people than those who hurt you.

In this walk, I have learned where I stand, where my solid ground in found, and where I have time to grow and reflect.

I have realized in this moment that I have more faith than I originally thought, while also knowing that I still need Jesus.

I’m a sinner, through and through. I will not pretend to say I am some perfect being who has it all together, becauseĀ I CERTAINLY DO NOT!

I am VERY human.

I am broken, but not destroyed.

I am hurt, but not dead.

I am disoriented, but I will rise again.

Yes, that rhymed a bit…just go with it.

I am a recovering addict to pornography that continues to struggle at times, especially in times as this.

I am someone who struggles to hold their tongue when wanting to lash out.

I am a person who pays attention to the things I want rather than the things I need.

I am perfectly imperfect.

“To have faith is to have wings”. –Peter Pan, Peter and the Starcatcher

So…where do you stand?

Drama: How To Not Give In

I have found myself very angered and disappointed these past few days. Whether because of two-faced people or because of high emotions, it’s been a little too real. For me the biggest thing is making sure that I am true to myself and able to control myself.

Sometimes, that’s not an easy task. 

Also, people can cause it to not be an easy task. 

This is called DRAMA! Everyone is aware of drama in some form.

Here’s some tips to help you stay away from it:

  • Learn to limit contact: sometimes you get around people and personalities can conflict. This includes with friends and/or family. I usually have to limit the amount of time that I have with a certain person in a specific place at a specific moment for a specific reason. 
  • Do NOT hang around someone that makes you emotional: THE ONE THING I had to learn growing up, especially with a narcissistic father, was that you can’t be emotional in some people’s presence. Why? Because they’ll take advantage of that. This also happened with a close friend recently that is no longer a close friend. Sometimes, being emotionally vulnerable gives them a chance to strike. 
  • Be the bigger person: I hated hearing this growing up and I STILL HATE IT! However, it’s golden advice and true. Stooping to someone’s level, especially if it’s the lowest of lows, doesn’t solve a damn thing. God doesn’t care about us liking the person, but loving the person (even from a distance).

So I hope this helps to ease some dramatic moments you might be having with your family, friends or whoever. It’s difficult, but it’s also necessary to own up and be tough(ish).

All That Remains

I am realizing that I am very blessed with the support system that I have. So is my brother, of course, but I’m definitely taking advantage of the support system. All these people that have supported us, the family that has let me stay at their residence while all this has happened, and my family who have been nothing but supportive.

It’s been a week and a half since the death of my mother, but I’m realizing that I will survive. There is pain and suffering that is very real and that is not down-played, because it sucks!

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Somehow, someway…I am making it.

My church family has been super supportive and I am very blessed to have these individuals as a part of my support system. My church family, in particular, have been loving on me (and my brother) so much with support, prayers, and love beyond compare.

All that remains is heartache and confusion, but that doesn’t mean that’s what will be the end result. This doesn’t mean that I am doomed for eternity to feel nothing but this heartache too deep for human comprehension. I am not going to die because of this. I will survive, I will move on at some point, and I am allowed to mourn.

 

Family Is Family…Or Is It?

If you read my past blog post, you know that my mother was killed in a car wreck. What you may not know is that I am dealing with family that I either haven’t spoken to in a very long time or that I am left to be the adult in a world full of children.

One thing IS certain: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MY MOTHER DID ALL OF THIS!

My mother had to deal with my grandparents (my grandfather has been pretty chill about everything, but my grandmother makes me want to smack the air), my father has been here (read my Father’s Day post to really understand my thoughts on that), and there are family that I am reconnecting with…good…bad…and otherwise.

Right now, I am in a storm of confusion and hell on earth.

Right now, I am trying to keep my head on straight.

Right now, everything is crashing down…and that’s okay.

My mom always said, “It’s okay to breakdown. What’s not okay is to shutdown”. She was right.

There is a complete difference in losing your shit and losing your mind. Losing your shit is when you have a breakdown. Losing your mind is when you shutdown completely…nothing goes in OR out! That’s not okay. That’s not something I can do…or that YOU can do.

Right now, it’s not about being strong, even when dealing with family. It’s about acceptance. It’s about stilling yourself. It’s about being the bigger person.

Now, I can’t promise you that I will continue to talk to my father or his family after this whole ordeal. In fact, I believe that somethings are going to ensue its own shitshow of its own.

Until that happens, I am keeping my heart guarded, my mind as clear as I can, and keeping God in the loop.

Momma didn’t raise no fool šŸ˜‰

When Things Go Down Hill

Recently, my world has been rocked. On June 21st, 2017 at about 8:00 PM, my mother was killed instantly in a car wreck. To be honest, my world has felt like it is falling apart.

Yes I’m aware it’s very fresh, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am not okay, that I’m mourning like crazy, and that I’m scared like hell for myself and my 17-year-old brother.

Things are slowly getting better as I wake up to another day. Although things will be rough, they ARE getting better…slowly but surely.

When your world falls apart, remember that God is in the midst of all of it.