Tag: Adventure

Three Months Later: An Update

A little over three months ago, my mother was tragically taken from my family by a fatigued driver. The three words that could describe the grieving process:

  1. Horrendous
  2. Unfathomable
  3. Gut-wrenching

There are literally no words to describe the loss of a parent, let alone a sudden loss. I have been dealing with so many things, trying to be an adult, and keep my head above the water. Sometimes it seems to be too much.

Not only did this happen, but I also wrecked a new car (I’ll admit: it was due to MY error). Due to this, though, my hood hit my windshield as I was driving to a job interview. Luckily, I hadn’t made it out of town and my neighbor, who also happens to be a police officer, was able to get me some help.

I’ve rented my first car (and had my first budget due to spending so much on my rent-a-car), I’ve been able to start moving stuff over to my new apartment, I’m starting to realize life is hard anyway (no matter the struggle) and I’m learning to be more honest about my mental health, my life, and my future.

One thing I’ve realized: I’M DONE WITH SCHOOL FOR A WHILE AFTER COMMUNITY COLLEGE!

That’s right: JUST DONE (especially if this new job at Dillard’s works out).

There’s also nothing wrong with that.

My mother didn’t even get her associate’s degree. I will get mine.

I have no other option.

So, what have I learned in the past three months? It’s okay not to have everything figured out.

Sometimes, you just have to go with flow. Sometimes, you have to learn to surrender. Sometimes, you have to learn to LET GO and LET GOD!

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Love: Not Just a Feeling

Love: Not Just a Feeling

First off: I want to apologize for not posting consistently. Jobs, money, and school are three big factors that redefine my life as of late. I literally have no time for anything else. To give you an idea: I went out with my friends last weekend…FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 3 MONTHS! I’m actually not feeling well today, so I don’t have work (and I don’t have it tomorrow, because I still have a fever.) 😛

So I cannot promise my posts will be consistent, BUT if you’ve been around since this blog site started: CONGRATULATIONS AND THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT!

Now, students (I’ve always wanted to say that), I want to discuss a topic that is SO controversial these days that others literally avoid it by clamming up, walking away, or crying until their hearts just can’t take it anymore.

LOVE

I know, I know: love is an abstract form, love isn’t really a real thing, love is just a social construct…blah blah blah!

If you’re THAT guy, I have two words: FUCK YOU!

Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection or a person or thing that one loves (Merriam-Webster Dictionary).

However, what a lot of others don’t realize is that love is not as emotional as we make it. In fact, love is probably far from an emotion as we can get. Why do I say this? Because it love is an emotion, then love is one of the most wavering emotions, more so than happiness, sadness and anger.

Think about it: we say we love pizza, we say we love our parents, we say we love our boyfriend/girlfriend…is all this love the same kind of love?

NO! BECAUSE LOVE CAN HAVE SO MANY DEFINITIONS!

Love is sometimes from an emotional standpoint and can leave you with a broken heart. Love can be one of the most emotional thing for a person.

Love can leave one asking questions, frustrated, and pulling their hair out.

One thing I have learned as well: Love can leave someone conflicted for a moment.

Love is one of the most complicated human attachments ever. And yes, I said attachment, because that’s what loving someone is like.

Whether it’s a parent, friend, significant other, or whatever: LOVE IS COMPLICATED! Not because of the emotional aspect, but because your emotions and your love for someone are not intertwined. If they are, then that’s not true love; that’s just infatuation.

Now, again, this doesn’t mean that emotions cannot be manipulated with love; but usually when they are, time after time, people can pick themselves back up and say, “ENOUGH!”

One reason I made this post is due to a friend of mine. He is one of my best friends, after getting close to him very recently, and we are both for each other; no strings attached, no complicated shit, and no secrets or confusion. However, I have romantic feelings/attachment to him, and it was starting to make me wonder some different things, even after he said he didn’t feel the same way.

I have realized that one can feel the same way you do about them (in other words, loving you the same way you love them) WITHOUT the romantic attachment.

When I came to this realization, you can bet that I said, “Holy shit!” And I did.

Something clicked and life made a little bit more sense than it had before.

Love is something so intricate and complicated that one cannot in ANY way, shape or form crack the code. As much as I would love to say it’s possible, it’s not. It has so many layers and definitions.

No matter that layer, definition, or complication, the question is: Are you willing to put your heart on the line TO love someone?

When I Almost Did The Deed: An (Almost) Hook-Up Story

Soooo…this is probably the craziest thing I will post on here, I believe.

If I’m being honest, I cannot believe that I am actually posting this, especially after 24 hours that this has happened. If I’m being honest, I’m not sure how I feel about it.

So here it is:

I live in a small town in Texas that has a conservative standpoint. I was on an app (that I had no business being on) that changed my complete view of sex, what it really means to save yourself until marriage, and what it really means to be “apart from the world”.

I met a guy named Jan. He was attractive…and I mean ATTRACTIVE! Blonde hair, blue eyes, abs…good looking! He’s also a Russian model based out of Los Angeles.

Not going to lie, I didn’t think I was the type to attract a model, because I’m kind of overweight…but I did! 😉

We started talking and he asked me if I wanted to “have some fun”. At that point I was like, “Sure!”

So he sent me his number, I texted him, and we started arranging stuff. He seemed pretty eager for us to get together. In fact, he sent me a couple pictures of his genitalia. He also got pretty pushy and even confrontational.

Now I’ll admit:

  1. This was something I’d never done before.
  2. I was really creeped out that he started to push.
  3. I started to get scared and even felt uncomfortable.
  4. I realized this was NOT the outlet for me.

With this being said, I realized that this was not something I wanted to do. In fact, a switch went off in my head, sending red alerts and flags everywhere I pictured.

I didn’t go through with this, because something told me not to…and that I believe was the Holy Spirit. 

Even as Christians, we are still tempted by things that keep us from our blessings. I believe that me wanting to go out and just “lose myself” was not what God wanted. Even right now, I feel extreme guilt and sickness because of almost making that almost permanent decision.

My lesson learned: loving yourself is the best thing to do while waiting on the blessings God has for you!

My friends, DO NOT sell yourselves short of what you deserve…AT ALL!!! It’s not worth it. Sometimes, there’s a reason for all of this crap that we go through as humans. There’s no need to sell yourself short to fulfill someone’s sick desires.

 

Bird Set Free: One Month Later

“I don’t care if I sing off key, I find myself in my melodies, I sing for love, I sing for me, I’ll shout it out like a bird set free.” -Sia

It’s been a month since my mother passed away, since this 21 (almost 22) year old had to grow up quite a bit. Although it’s been in little ways, it’s still been a process.

In this process, I’ve realized that my own family do not have my best interest in mind, after all.

Why do I say that? They wanted me to plead that I am incompetent.

Yes, you read that right. INCOMPETENT!!!

My family is convinced that because I have high-functioning Asperger’s and because I have Bipolar II disorder, I am incompetent.

How does this make me feel…?

This is the main question that I’ve gotten.

Plain and simple: I’m…fucking…pissed.

My mother happened to do a lot to shelter me as much as she could be I was her “special” child. My mother wanted me to have a safe place so to speak, someone to help provide for me, and someone to be there to support me.

My mother did me a disservice.

My mother should not have done this for me.

My mother should have let me grow up.

I love my mother with every fiber of my being, but I’ve learned to do SO MANY THINGS since her passing.

For example, I drove through downtown Houston to meet with a lawyer. Most 21-year-olds don’t have a reason to drive that far. Do they? Sure! That doesn’t mean they have a reason.

I’m learning to take care of myself.

Just because I need a place to stay, doesn’t mean I can’t drive, cook, clean up after myself, go to school, get a job, and LEARN!

That’s what life is! A LEARNING PROCESS!!

I can do this, I will do this, and I will show every person who thinks I cannot.

I AM A BIRD SET FREE.

When Somebody Loved Me…It Was Complicated

When Somebody Loved Me…It Was Complicated

“When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful, every hour spent together, lives within my heart.”

If anyone remembers these song lyrics from Toy Story 2 pertaining to Jessie’s past, then good on you! These lyrics started running through my head after I found out a best friend of mine, who is no longer so due to some poor decisions he made, had feelings for me that were apparently mutual.

*Wait…did HE say HE?!*

Yes…yes, I did.

One reason I’m posting this is because I DO NOT want anyone to be led astray and not have an idea about certain parts of my life. This one included.

Now, this will probably be the one AND ONLY post I put about my sexuality, because frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. I’m a conservative Christian who happens to like guys living in the state of Texas…in other words: I’m an enigma that doesn’t care about others lives. “You do you” is my life philosophy. This is not up for discussion, because I don’t care to argue about it.

For me, my sexuality is a part of me that I have STRUGGLED with my whole life. At one point, I considered celibacy, realized I wasn’t there with a full-intent heart; therefore, I’m not going to steer someone the wrong way.

NOW…BACK ON TOPIC!

The guy I’m speaking about was someone I trusted, someone I loved, and someone I found that feels the same way I do…or did…it’s complicated.

Long story short: he got super drunk this past week (July 4th to be exact). He was mean, especially to me and his own sister, and super rude. I was scared to death, because I had never seen a beautiful person turn into such an ugly, dark soul. I was embarrassed for both us, because he was a moron. I was disappointed, because I saw myself possibly keeping a friend the rest of my life (he never gave me a clear indication of the fact that he felt the same way, so we were just friends).

*So, what did you do?*

I GOT UP AND LEFT!

I have too much respect and love for myself to let someone put me in a situation that could harm me. I may love him (so much more than I can describe), but LOVE DOES NOT EQUATE LETTING SOMEONE WALK ALL OVER YOU!

He, unfortunately, was too immature and selfish to see that he had a good thing.

I called him out and he didn’t like it.

Then, I confronted him.

After, he acted as if nothing was a big deal. He didn’t care. So I hung up the phone and stopped talking to him.

BUT WAIT…he left a voice message, saying (in summary), “I’m done playing the “nice guy”. I’m an asshole, I’ve always been one and that’s what I’m going to be. You don’t have to deal with ever again. Our friendship is over…I will never forget you…”

I will never forget you…

To be honest? “I will never forget you” about wrecked me completely.

He let me know I was different.

He let me know I let a different side of him show.

He let me know he felt the same way…and I was left dazed and confused.

Up to this point, he had told me I never had a chance and that he liked girls.

Now of course, I didn’t believe him, but that doesn’t change what he had said, either.

But isn’t that interesting? How love is so complicated? How someone can say one thing and mean another? How someone can be so immature and blind to understand their own feelings?

Also, those questions right above are not towards him…they’re for me.

Not to say they’re not applicable for him either, but I wasn’t able to understand my conflicting feelings and thoughts, understand why he said the things he did, and I most certainly did not understand how we weren’t on the same page.

But that’s just it: when somebody loved me, it was complicated.

Wanting Something More? I Know I Do!

Wanting Something More? I Know I Do!

Recently, I have come to a quarter-life crisis. I have started to wonder if life is all about school and working and just watching life pass you. Now, obviously this isn’t the case. I didn’t plan on saying, “Well, of course! I’ll go to school and do nothing fun for the rest of my life. That sounds like a GREAT idea!”

What I am saying, though, is sometimes we don’t always think about life plans…or we think too hard about them. For me, I’m the latter of the two. I had been putting so much pressure on myself to go to school and finish my degree. Honestly: I DON’T EVEN KNOW ENTIRELY WHAT MY DEGREE SHOULD BE! I’m interested in SO many things that (if I had the money) I would major in EVERY SINGLE SUBJECT I COULD! However, this is far from my situation. I’m so broke that I can barely pay for my car insurance, let alone personal expenses. Luckily, I have a job, but I don’t even make close to $10,000/yr. Yes, I said $10,000 A YEAR! I’m still living at home with my mom and finishing school.

Now, I’m 21 (almost 22), finishing community college in the span of four years., still living with mom, and needing a change in career prospects. In other words: I’m tired, ready to start my own life, and wanting a change in pace. Not all of this is bad, because I’ve definitely grown a lot, especially in the past few months alone. My prayers, however, have definitely sounded something like: “God, what the hell is going on?!?!” or “Jesus, help me…PLEASE”.

Faith is important, because it’s the only thing that has gotten me this far in my life. I’m trusting God during this time of searching: for a job, for adventure, and for myself. Are you wanting something more? Good…because I know I am as well. We’ll go on this journey together.