Family Is Family…Or Is It?

If you read my past blog post, you know that my mother was killed in a car wreck. What you may not know is that I am dealing with family that I either haven’t spoken to in a very long time or that I am left to be the adult in a world full of children.

One thing IS certain: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MY MOTHER DID ALL OF THIS!

My mother had to deal with my grandparents (my grandfather has been pretty chill about everything, but my grandmother makes me want to smack the air), my father has been here (read my Father’s Day post to really understand my thoughts on that), and there are family that I am reconnecting with…good…bad…and otherwise.

Right now, I am in a storm of confusion and hell on earth.

Right now, I am trying to keep my head on straight.

Right now, everything is crashing down…and that’s okay.

My mom always said, “It’s okay to breakdown. What’s not okay is to shutdown”. She was right.

There is a complete difference in losing your shit and losing your mind. Losing your shit is when you have a breakdown. Losing your mind is when you shutdown completely…nothing goes in OR out! That’s not okay. That’s not something I can do…or that YOU can do.

Right now, it’s not about being strong, even when dealing with family. It’s about acceptance. It’s about stilling yourself. It’s about being the bigger person.

Now, I can’t promise you that I will continue to talk to my father or his family after this whole ordeal. In fact, I believe that somethings are going to ensue its own shitshow of its own.

Until that happens, I am keeping my heart guarded, my mind as clear as I can, and keeping God in the loop.

Momma didn’t raise no fool 😉

When Things Go Down Hill

Recently, my world has been rocked. On June 21st, 2017 at about 8:00 PM, my mother was killed instantly in a car wreck. To be honest, my world has felt like it is falling apart.

Yes I’m aware it’s very fresh, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am not okay, that I’m mourning like crazy, and that I’m scared like hell for myself and my 17-year-old brother.

Things are slowly getting better as I wake up to another day. Although things will be rough, they ARE getting better…slowly but surely.

When your world falls apart, remember that God is in the midst of all of it.

Father’s Day is Rough…

Yes, that’s right. Father’s Day is NOT a day that I enjoy.

Many of you might be confused by this statement.

Many of you might be jumping to the conclusion you know what I’m saying.

Many of you might be jumping to the right conclusion.

I’ve never really had an awesome father/son relationship. In fact, I never really had one to begin with. Granted, I know my father and I even grew up with him living in the same house as me. I knew what his favorite color was, I knew his favorite music, what school he attended for college, his parents, his family, etc.

What I didn’t know was what he was capable of…at least until I was an older pre-teen to teenager.

I didn’t realize that he was always angry at us. I didn’t realize that he resented all of us in a way. I didn’t realize that he wished he never would have had a family. I never realized that when I was 13 or 14, he would start drinking because of the things he saw and experienced in Afghanistan and start to abuse my mom, my brother, and myself emotionally and psychologically even more so after he returned.

I never realized that I would begin to hate my father and wish that he was dead.

I never realized that he would almost be successful at, not one, but two attempts on his own life.

I never realized I would start to rage at him when realizing that he would never be the same and my family was forced to not talk about the second attempt on his life for the first six months afterwards.

What I did know: after my father became the man that I knew later on in life, I was done speaking to him.

I realized that fathers, as much as they should be there for their families and be the men they are called to be, are also faulty just like we are. I realized that my father was, and continues to be, sick because he doesn’t know how to thrive without instability or drama. I realized that my father grew up in a dysfunctional home and that all he has ever known is dysfunction.

I realized, though, that I don’t have to be exactly like him. I realized that I have a choice: stay angry or move on.

Although it comes in phases and it’s a process, anger and forgiveness have to find a balance within yourself.

Father’s Day is rough…but it’s also a time of reflection. Father’s Day is a time to remember that others have fathers, too, and deserve to celebrate their dads. Father’s Day is a time to remember that my mother practically broke he back raising my brother and I.

Hmm…maybe Father’s Day isn’t as rough as I thought it was…

Wanting Something More? I Know I Do!

Wanting Something More? I Know I Do!

Recently, I have come to a quarter-life crisis. I have started to wonder if life is all about school and working and just watching life pass you. Now, obviously this isn’t the case. I didn’t plan on saying, “Well, of course! I’ll go to school and do nothing fun for the rest of my life. That sounds like a GREAT idea!”

What I am saying, though, is sometimes we don’t always think about life plans…or we think too hard about them. For me, I’m the latter of the two. I had been putting so much pressure on myself to go to school and finish my degree. Honestly: I DON’T EVEN KNOW ENTIRELY WHAT MY DEGREE SHOULD BE! I’m interested in SO many things that (if I had the money) I would major in EVERY SINGLE SUBJECT I COULD! However, this is far from my situation. I’m so broke that I can barely pay for my car insurance, let alone personal expenses. Luckily, I have a job, but I don’t even make close to $10,000/yr. Yes, I said $10,000 A YEAR! I’m still living at home with my mom and finishing school.

Now, I’m 21 (almost 22), finishing community college in the span of four years., still living with mom, and needing a change in career prospects. In other words: I’m tired, ready to start my own life, and wanting a change in pace. Not all of this is bad, because I’ve definitely grown a lot, especially in the past few months alone. My prayers, however, have definitely sounded something like: “God, what the hell is going on?!?!” or “Jesus, help me…PLEASE”.

Faith is important, because it’s the only thing that has gotten me this far in my life. I’m trusting God during this time of searching: for a job, for adventure, and for myself. Are you wanting something more? Good…because I know I am as well. We’ll go on this journey together.