When Somebody Loved Me…It Was Complicated

When Somebody Loved Me…It Was Complicated

“When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful, every hour spent together, lives within my heart.”

If anyone remembers these song lyrics from Toy Story 2 pertaining to Jessie’s past, then good on you! These lyrics started running through my head after I found out a best friend of mine, who is no longer so due to some poor decisions he made, had feelings for me that were apparently mutual.

*Wait…did HE say HE?!*

Yes…yes, I did.

One reason I’m posting this is because I DO NOT want anyone to be led astray and not have an idea about certain parts of my life. This one included.

Now, this will probably be the one AND ONLY post I put about my sexuality, because frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. I’m a conservative Christian who happens to like guys living in the state of Texas…in other words: I’m an enigma that doesn’t care about others lives. “You do you” is my life philosophy. This is not up for discussion, because I don’t care to argue about it.

For me, my sexuality is a part of me that I have STRUGGLED with my whole life. At one point, I considered celibacy, realized I wasn’t there with a full-intent heart; therefore, I’m not going to steer someone the wrong way.

NOW…BACK ON TOPIC!

The guy I’m speaking about was someone I trusted, someone I loved, and someone I found that feels the same way I do…or did…it’s complicated.

Long story short: he got super drunk this past week (July 4th to be exact). He was mean, especially to me and his own sister, and super rude. I was scared to death, because I had never seen a beautiful person turn into such an ugly, dark soul. I was embarrassed for both us, because he was a moron. I was disappointed, because I saw myself possibly keeping a friend the rest of my life (he never gave me a clear indication of the fact that he felt the same way, so we were just friends).

*So, what did you do?*

I GOT UP AND LEFT!

I have too much respect and love for myself to let someone put me in a situation that could harm me. I may love him (so much more than I can describe), but LOVE DOES NOT EQUATE LETTING SOMEONE WALK ALL OVER YOU!

He, unfortunately, was too immature and selfish to see that he had a good thing.

I called him out and he didn’t like it.

Then, I confronted him.

After, he acted as if nothing was a big deal. He didn’t care. So I hung up the phone and stopped talking to him.

BUT WAIT…he left a voice message, saying (in summary), “I’m done playing the “nice guy”. I’m an asshole, I’ve always been one and that’s what I’m going to be. You don’t have to deal with ever again. Our friendship is over…I will never forget you…”

I will never forget you…

To be honest? “I will never forget you” about wrecked me completely.

He let me know I was different.

He let me know I let a different side of him show.

He let me know he felt the same way…and I was left dazed and confused.

Up to this point, he had told me I never had a chance and that he liked girls.

Now of course, I didn’t believe him, but that doesn’t change what he had said, either.

But isn’t that interesting? How love is so complicated? How someone can say one thing and mean another? How someone can be so immature and blind to understand their own feelings?

Also, those questions right above are not towards him…they’re for me.

Not to say they’re not applicable for him either, but I wasn’t able to understand my conflicting feelings and thoughts, understand why he said the things he did, and I most certainly did not understand how we weren’t on the same page.

But that’s just it: when somebody loved me, it was complicated.

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Drama: How To Not Give In

I have found myself very angered and disappointed these past few days. Whether because of two-faced people or because of high emotions, it’s been a little too real. For me the biggest thing is making sure that I am true to myself and able to control myself.

Sometimes, that’s not an easy task. 

Also, people can cause it to not be an easy task. 

This is called DRAMA! Everyone is aware of drama in some form.

Here’s some tips to help you stay away from it:

  • Learn to limit contact: sometimes you get around people and personalities can conflict. This includes with friends and/or family. I usually have to limit the amount of time that I have with a certain person in a specific place at a specific moment for a specific reason. 
  • Do NOT hang around someone that makes you emotional: THE ONE THING I had to learn growing up, especially with a narcissistic father, was that you can’t be emotional in some people’s presence. Why? Because they’ll take advantage of that. This also happened with a close friend recently that is no longer a close friend. Sometimes, being emotionally vulnerable gives them a chance to strike. 
  • Be the bigger person: I hated hearing this growing up and I STILL HATE IT! However, it’s golden advice and true. Stooping to someone’s level, especially if it’s the lowest of lows, doesn’t solve a damn thing. God doesn’t care about us liking the person, but loving the person (even from a distance).

So I hope this helps to ease some dramatic moments you might be having with your family, friends or whoever. It’s difficult, but it’s also necessary to own up and be tough(ish).

All That Remains

I am realizing that I am very blessed with the support system that I have. So is my brother, of course, but I’m definitely taking advantage of the support system. All these people that have supported us, the family that has let me stay at their residence while all this has happened, and my family who have been nothing but supportive.

It’s been a week and a half since the death of my mother, but I’m realizing that I will survive. There is pain and suffering that is very real and that is not down-played, because it sucks!

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Somehow, someway…I am making it.

My church family has been super supportive and I am very blessed to have these individuals as a part of my support system. My church family, in particular, have been loving on me (and my brother) so much with support, prayers, and love beyond compare.

All that remains is heartache and confusion, but that doesn’t mean that’s what will be the end result. This doesn’t mean that I am doomed for eternity to feel nothing but this heartache too deep for human comprehension. I am not going to die because of this. I will survive, I will move on at some point, and I am allowed to mourn.

 

Family Is Family…Or Is It?

If you read my past blog post, you know that my mother was killed in a car wreck. What you may not know is that I am dealing with family that I either haven’t spoken to in a very long time or that I am left to be the adult in a world full of children.

One thing IS certain: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MY MOTHER DID ALL OF THIS!

My mother had to deal with my grandparents (my grandfather has been pretty chill about everything, but my grandmother makes me want to smack the air), my father has been here (read my Father’s Day post to really understand my thoughts on that), and there are family that I am reconnecting with…good…bad…and otherwise.

Right now, I am in a storm of confusion and hell on earth.

Right now, I am trying to keep my head on straight.

Right now, everything is crashing down…and that’s okay.

My mom always said, “It’s okay to breakdown. What’s not okay is to shutdown”. She was right.

There is a complete difference in losing your shit and losing your mind. Losing your shit is when you have a breakdown. Losing your mind is when you shutdown completely…nothing goes in OR out! That’s not okay. That’s not something I can do…or that YOU can do.

Right now, it’s not about being strong, even when dealing with family. It’s about acceptance. It’s about stilling yourself. It’s about being the bigger person.

Now, I can’t promise you that I will continue to talk to my father or his family after this whole ordeal. In fact, I believe that somethings are going to ensue its own shitshow of its own.

Until that happens, I am keeping my heart guarded, my mind as clear as I can, and keeping God in the loop.

Momma didn’t raise no fool 😉

When Things Go Down Hill

Recently, my world has been rocked. On June 21st, 2017 at about 8:00 PM, my mother was killed instantly in a car wreck. To be honest, my world has felt like it is falling apart.

Yes I’m aware it’s very fresh, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am not okay, that I’m mourning like crazy, and that I’m scared like hell for myself and my 17-year-old brother.

Things are slowly getting better as I wake up to another day. Although things will be rough, they ARE getting better…slowly but surely.

When your world falls apart, remember that God is in the midst of all of it.

Father’s Day is Rough…

Yes, that’s right. Father’s Day is NOT a day that I enjoy.

Many of you might be confused by this statement.

Many of you might be jumping to the conclusion you know what I’m saying.

Many of you might be jumping to the right conclusion.

I’ve never really had an awesome father/son relationship. In fact, I never really had one to begin with. Granted, I know my father and I even grew up with him living in the same house as me. I knew what his favorite color was, I knew his favorite music, what school he attended for college, his parents, his family, etc.

What I didn’t know was what he was capable of…at least until I was an older pre-teen to teenager.

I didn’t realize that he was always angry at us. I didn’t realize that he resented all of us in a way. I didn’t realize that he wished he never would have had a family. I never realized that when I was 13 or 14, he would start drinking because of the things he saw and experienced in Afghanistan and start to abuse my mom, my brother, and myself emotionally and psychologically even more so after he returned.

I never realized that I would begin to hate my father and wish that he was dead.

I never realized that he would almost be successful at, not one, but two attempts on his own life.

I never realized I would start to rage at him when realizing that he would never be the same and my family was forced to not talk about the second attempt on his life for the first six months afterwards.

What I did know: after my father became the man that I knew later on in life, I was done speaking to him.

I realized that fathers, as much as they should be there for their families and be the men they are called to be, are also faulty just like we are. I realized that my father was, and continues to be, sick because he doesn’t know how to thrive without instability or drama. I realized that my father grew up in a dysfunctional home and that all he has ever known is dysfunction.

I realized, though, that I don’t have to be exactly like him. I realized that I have a choice: stay angry or move on.

Although it comes in phases and it’s a process, anger and forgiveness have to find a balance within yourself.

Father’s Day is rough…but it’s also a time of reflection. Father’s Day is a time to remember that others have fathers, too, and deserve to celebrate their dads. Father’s Day is a time to remember that my mother practically broke he back raising my brother and I.

Hmm…maybe Father’s Day isn’t as rough as I thought it was…

Wanting Something More? I Know I Do!

Wanting Something More? I Know I Do!

Recently, I have come to a quarter-life crisis. I have started to wonder if life is all about school and working and just watching life pass you. Now, obviously this isn’t the case. I didn’t plan on saying, “Well, of course! I’ll go to school and do nothing fun for the rest of my life. That sounds like a GREAT idea!”

What I am saying, though, is sometimes we don’t always think about life plans…or we think too hard about them. For me, I’m the latter of the two. I had been putting so much pressure on myself to go to school and finish my degree. Honestly: I DON’T EVEN KNOW ENTIRELY WHAT MY DEGREE SHOULD BE! I’m interested in SO many things that (if I had the money) I would major in EVERY SINGLE SUBJECT I COULD! However, this is far from my situation. I’m so broke that I can barely pay for my car insurance, let alone personal expenses. Luckily, I have a job, but I don’t even make close to $10,000/yr. Yes, I said $10,000 A YEAR! I’m still living at home with my mom and finishing school.

Now, I’m 21 (almost 22), finishing community college in the span of four years., still living with mom, and needing a change in career prospects. In other words: I’m tired, ready to start my own life, and wanting a change in pace. Not all of this is bad, because I’ve definitely grown a lot, especially in the past few months alone. My prayers, however, have definitely sounded something like: “God, what the hell is going on?!?!” or “Jesus, help me…PLEASE”.

Faith is important, because it’s the only thing that has gotten me this far in my life. I’m trusting God during this time of searching: for a job, for adventure, and for myself. Are you wanting something more? Good…because I know I am as well. We’ll go on this journey together.