“When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful, every hour spent together, lives within my heart.”
If anyone remembers these song lyrics from Toy Story 2 pertaining to Jessie’s past, then good on you! These lyrics started running through my head after I found out a best friend of mine, who is no longer so due to some poor decisions he made, had feelings for me that were apparently mutual.
*Wait…did HE say HE?!*
Yes…yes, I did.
One reason I’m posting this is because I DO NOT want anyone to be led astray and not have an idea about certain parts of my life. This one included.
Now, this will probably be the one AND ONLY post I put about my sexuality, because frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. I’m a conservative Christian who happens to like guys living in the state of Texas…in other words: I’m an enigma that doesn’t care about others lives. “You do you” is my life philosophy. This is not up for discussion, because I don’t care to argue about it.
For me, my sexuality is a part of me that I have STRUGGLED with my whole life. At one point, I considered celibacy, realized I wasn’t there with a full-intent heart; therefore, I’m not going to steer someone the wrong way.
NOW…BACK ON TOPIC!
The guy I’m speaking about was someone I trusted, someone I loved, and someone I found that feels the same way I do…or did…it’s complicated.
Long story short: he got super drunk this past week (July 4th to be exact). He was mean, especially to me and his own sister, and super rude. I was scared to death, because I had never seen a beautiful person turn into such an ugly, dark soul. I was embarrassed for both us, because he was a moron. I was disappointed, because I saw myself possibly keeping a friend the rest of my life (he never gave me a clear indication of the fact that he felt the same way, so we were just friends).
*So, what did you do?*
I GOT UP AND LEFT!
I have too much respect and love for myself to let someone put me in a situation that could harm me. I may love him (so much more than I can describe), but LOVE DOES NOT EQUATE LETTING SOMEONE WALK ALL OVER YOU!
He, unfortunately, was too immature and selfish to see that he had a good thing.
I called him out and he didn’t like it.
Then, I confronted him.
After, he acted as if nothing was a big deal. He didn’t care. So I hung up the phone and stopped talking to him.
BUT WAIT…he left a voice message, saying (in summary), “I’m done playing the “nice guy”. I’m an asshole, I’ve always been one and that’s what I’m going to be. You don’t have to deal with ever again. Our friendship is over…I will never forget you…”
I will never forget you…
To be honest? “I will never forget you” about wrecked me completely.
He let me know I was different.
He let me know I let a different side of him show.
He let me know he felt the same way…and I was left dazed and confused.
Up to this point, he had told me I never had a chance and that he liked girls.
Now of course, I didn’t believe him, but that doesn’t change what he had said, either.
But isn’t that interesting? How love is so complicated? How someone can say one thing and mean another? How someone can be so immature and blind to understand their own feelings?
Also, those questions right above are not towards him…they’re for me.
Not to say they’re not applicable for him either, but I wasn’t able to understand my conflicting feelings and thoughts, understand why he said the things he did, and I most certainly did not understand how we weren’t on the same page.
But that’s just it: when somebody loved me, it was complicated.